As moms there are so many things, we have to compromise in order to make everything work as a whole. Very often we don't realize how much energy it requires of us. Without realizing it, we can become resentful towards those who we care about the most because we have never dealt with our anger in a healthy way. It’s very difficult for us women to speak freely and truthfully, but it’s the key to living an abundant life.
When we were little girls, we knew how to express ourselves. Before the age of 7, we are connected to our divine feminine energy, and speaking up is our birthright. A little child will tell you no in a heartbeat, hahahahahah ain’t no shame in her game. She will not blink either. But as you get older and you become a teenager, how many times do we hear we need to shut up? Our parents tell us to be quiet, our teachers tell us to be quiet and our friends laugh at us, so we end up being silent. Your True Self is no longer appreciated because it is shining a light on others and it makes them uncomfortable.
And so, this innate ability of ours to just speak, to be authentic to share what we think, is now layered with all these negative beliefs because society has conditioned us to think that we must be quiet in order to keep the peace.
Fast forward to adulthood, and we still walk around on egg-shells trying to not hurt anybody’s feelings because we are afraid if we speak, it will end the relationship. And here is the painful truth, it does, but not because we did not speak up, but because when we decide to speak up, we already had it up to here, can’t take it anymore, and everything comes out, like an avalanche. We don’t speak to heal, but we speak to destroy.
Here is where it gets worse. They gear spirituality at the moment towards quieting your mind and not reacting to other people, especially not in an angry way. If you act in an angry way, you must not be conscious but deeply unconscious because conscious people respond and they do not react, right?
So now the one place “spirituality” where we shouldn’t feel judged is judging us for how we feel. So, your spiritual community might end up becoming a mental cage to control your behavior. We then try to suppress it, which will never work or meditate it away, which doesn’t work either until one day we just burst like a volcano.
It’s about seeing the world and yourself through the eyes of unconditional love so you can give yourself some slack because you live in the 21st century and nobody could have predicted the scenario you find yourself in. Where you are bombarded every day with negative news, doom and gloom events, fights, polarizing content, and not to forget being quarantined for almost 2 years now. Anything can get under your skin. You got to be made of stone if not affected by any of it all. It’s like triggers on steroids, so of course it tempts you to spew your poison. The entire world is doing it.
So, how can you express your anger in a healthy way without destroying or damaging your reputation?
Here are 5 things you should do before you open your mouth:
1. Give yourself permission to feel angry and write all the negative feelings you have about this situation. Just let it all out. Write it down so you can see on paper what you wrote and you have to read it to yourself. Once you wrote everything down, have a look at it and try to find out how you truly feel. What sticks out the most?
Are you angry because you feel powerless?
Are you angry because you feel disrespected?
Are you angry because they hurt your feelings?
Anger is not an isolated emotion. There is a deeper reason for your anger. Find out what that is before you speak up. Anger hides the part of you that is vulnerable. Keep asking yourself questions until you hit that spot that makes you want to cry because you realize you are “hurt” not angry.
2. If you decide to speak up. What is the desired outcome you are looking for? Don’t just speak your anger because you feel someone should just apologize. Chances are they might not agree with you, and you end up fighting or being angry about the fact they won’t apologize. So, before you say anything. What do you want from that situation or person? What is your end goal? Redirect your focus from anger to what you want out of it.
3. Once you decided what you want out of the conversation, ask yourself, what would I need to sacrifice, give up or admit to, so that the other person feels validated and not just attacked. What am I willing to compromise to get what I want.
4. How can I turn this into a win win situation where I get to express my feelings, feel heard and understood but as well make the other party come out the winner? How can I turn my anger into a win win situation? What does the other person need. Can I place myself in their shoes? How would I respond if someone was angry with me and told me I had to change something? Would I open to do it? If yes, why would I be and what would that other person of to tell me to convince me to comply?
5. Accept all consequences before entering the conversation and let go of any result you feel you deserve. In the end, you can’t control other people’s perception of reality or their ability to communicate in a healthy way. So, if they choose to ignore you or not meet you halfway, there is nothing you can do about it and you must accept the way things are. This might be the moment where you decide to distance yourself from that person and continue to live your life. You can be at peace with the fact you spoke your truth and you stand by what you said.
We live in a world today where polarization, gaslighting and narcissistic behavior are the norm. So, we need to be smarter than that and don’t fall for the okidoke. We have to hold ourselves to a higher level of emotional intelligence if we want to get along with others. Especially with relationships that matter to us.
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